Never Complain That Your Garage Is Too Small

Pub Comp

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending
the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub
with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only
be in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

are women shallow,

are women shallow, more than men????

Funny Medical Stories

1. A man dashed into the A&E dept and yelled . . . 'My wife's having her baby in the taxi'. I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Doctor. Glasgow 2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.   Submitted by Doctor.  Bath 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'   Submitted by Doctor, London Hosp.  4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.   'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.   'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'   I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Doctor, Norfolk 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'   Submitted by Doctor Kent 6. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'   Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'    Submitted by Staff Nurse RN London

Men are like .........

 
1. Men are like Laxatives
They irritate the crap out of you.

2
 
Men are like. Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.




3.  
Men are like Weather
Nothing can be done to change them.




4.
 
Men are like Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why..




5.
 
Men are like Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials
You can't believe a word they say.


7.
 
Men are like Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!



8.
Men are like Government Bonds
.... They take soooooooo long to mature.


9.
 
Men are like Mascara  They usually run at the first sign of emotion.



10.
Men are like Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.


11.
 
Men are like Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.


12.
Men are like Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.



13..
 
Men are like  Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Birthday Vibrator

The Only Map Of Ireland you need

EU Cheese Please?

Today my grandparents were in receipt of some aid. being OAP's in Ireland they got their cheese today, tasted like crap tho.

The Pocket Taser, Stun Gun Story

This was sent to me i was in stitches when i read it so enjoy!

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in on hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it again!'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid!

How guys amuse themselves in supermarkets

 Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
 boyfriend along shopping

 This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
 Oxford :

 Dear Mrs. Murray,

 Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use
 of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is
 considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless
 your husband stops his antics.

 Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified
 by our surveillance cameras:

 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
 trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
 feminine products aisle.

 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

 5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
 told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
 Calor gas stove.

 7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
 he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

 8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
 mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

 9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
 Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
 antidepressants were.

 10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly h umming
 the Mission Impossible' theme.

 11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look'
 using different size funnels.

 12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,
 yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

 13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
 assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices
 again.'

 And; last, but not least:

 14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
 while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
 

What A Split Second Looks Like

White Family Bread

I actually found this out on the shelves this morning in a supermarket, I don't think they read over the title somehow.

A Woman's Place

I actually found this at a clients house by the sink for his wife,

Scottish Couple - Jokes

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain   to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years   earlier. 

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left   Glasgow and flew  to  Barcelona on  Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the  hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he  decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which  read:

To: My Loving  Wife

Subject: I've  Arrived

Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me.. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have  been checked in. I see that everything  has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing  you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as  mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!

A dark day in Crosshaven

Poll Time

Just a bit of fun here guys & girls, what you do Is leave a comment regarding who would be your ideal partner (all fantasy ok) example:
F / Ireland
M / France

Also any celeb you would like to date

And so on, so go on comment!

Saorview - The New Irish Digital TV Service

Quick Post Today,

Thinking of installing saorview today but thought of the cost (from a new installation)

Its a free service (my hole it is) TV Licence Fee:€160.00 per year

New antenna (Rabbit Ears Antenna Will not work in weaker signal areas): €80.00

New saorview compatibly set top box (Because Most TVs Wont Pick it Up) : €120.00

Coaxial cable to antenna to tv: €5 

If your lazy and want to get someone in to install it: €50

Making his the grand total of: €415 (Incl VAT) 

Services Include:

RTÉ1, RTÉ2, RTÉ News Now, RTÉ Junior, TV3, 3e, TG4, RTÉ1+1, Aertel,

Ok being a small country the selection is fairly good but, improvement on the transmission.

Modern TVs should also be able to have a software upgrade feature build in as well, to allow less clutter of set top boxes, and save money but that's the way the world is. 

Goodbye XP & Goodbye Microsoft

Just to start off on a rant,

My windows 7 laptop broke down about 3 weeks ago, pain in the backside but served me very well (3 years good use for an acer) so I remembered I had an old desktop computer lying around somewhere, so I decided to pull it out connect it up and power it up.

In the back of my mind I was saying to myself this is not going to work, reaching for my nearly maxed out visa, the log on screen appeared I was thrilled,

Next step, remember my password that I set 4 years ago, lot of fun 50 attempts , but remembered it so logging on I did, desktop loaded all my old files, music, pictures, etc blast from the past
Next step was to set up an Internet connection which I was dreading because I get my Internet from an apple device, but way - hey it worked!!!!

Off subject last time I connected to the Internet I was using dial up (for the younger generation this involved making a 'data phone call' which cost an arm and a leg if you logged on before 6pm not even 5:59 and took roughly an hour to download a mp3 file)
yes I live in Ireland the slowest place in the world for adapting technology, And to make it more fun, my phone point was besides the front door ( thank you eircom ) so I had to make up a make shift extention lead with a joint because the run between the phone point and the pc, which was too long any way so anyone who tripped over the cable would disconect me and I have to repair the joint and re dial up.

Next step is very important

Back on subject, turn off Automatic updates (I cannot stress this enough) while I was reminiscing Over my old files my computer was installing updates in the background including windows sp3 mean while my computer must have sent a message to Microsoft saying this machine is 4 years old so destroy it so he gas to go out to buy a new one,

Anyway computer asked me to restart so like a good citizen I did, on reboot nothing changed but I noticed somehow my sound card mysteriously stopped working. Ok I said bound to be something going
wrong for me at this point, (never turned off auto updates at this point yet) now I walked away from my computer, the computer restarted it's self this time and now this update affected
some of my programs. Getting very annoyed, went to Microsoft support forums and suggested to in stall win service pack 3, when I went to install this SOLUTION it failed halfway restarted the system and now I was connected to the Internet but now somehow ip addresses work In my browser
but not website addresses ( I clarified my dns is ok thru cmd to all the geeks)

Hammer In my hand I was ready to give this machine a beating
But me being the bigger man I went out to buy a mac,